What's Left Of Me
by LightSpirit
Summary: KS one shot. Smithy is sitting outside the station talking about Kerry. It's just the words Smithy says to the song 'What's Left Of Me' by Nick Lachey. Please read and review!


**What's Left Of Me**

**_Smithy lays flowers for Kerry outside the station. For the first time in over four years, he finally tells someone about his girlfriend and the pain he suffered from losing her._**

* * *

We were standing just there - me and Kerry - that's where it happened; that's where she was shot. It all happened right in front of me: she got out of a taxi, was walking towards the station, I came out to see her, we were talking about a lot of things and then she said what I'd dreamt she'd say to me one day - she said she loved me and I've never felt so happy in my life. We moved in closer to each other; we were going to kiss and then the next thing I knew, a shot rang out and Kerry fell into my arms. When I realised she'd been shot, I was terrified I was going to lose her - I couldn't lose her, it was way too soon. I held her in my arms as she was fighting for her life, bleeding to death from a hole in her chest. I saw how scared she was about what was happening, I listened to her pleading for her life, begging me not to let her go. I tried everything I could to save her - I tried to stop the bleeding, I tried to comfort her, telling her everything was going to be okay and I begged her not to leave me. When the ambulance came, I stayed with her; I wasn't going to leave her no way, she needed me - me; her boyfriend, the man who loved her and the man she loved. Then at hospital, she lost consciousness and I watched as the doctors tried to save her, praying that she'd make it… but she didn't. She died right in front of me… and I'll never forget the pain and the grief I felt and the tears I cried when the doctors pronounced her dead.

**_Watch my life  
Pass me by  
In the rear view mirror  
Pictures frozen in time  
Are becoming clearer  
I don't wanna waste another day  
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes_**

**_Yeah..._**

She was… such an amazing woman my Kerry, she really was. So bright, so kind, so gentle, fun loving, caring, gregarious, confident, intelligent, always enjoyed her job, enjoyed being in the company of people she cared about, enjoyed a good laugh with her friends. And she was strong, she never relied on anybody else to sort out her problems for her and everytime something went wrong, she always came up smiling. She was always smiling, always laughing; that was one of the things I loved most about her.

_**Cause I want you  
And I feel you  
Crawling underneath my skin  
Like a hunger  
Like a burning  
To find a place I've never been  
Now I'm broken  
And I'm faded  
I'm half the man I thought I would be  
But you can have what's left of me**_

I'll never forget the day we met. We first met on my first day as Sergeant; she really made it a day to remember. I walked into the canteen and she was sitting at a table with a few other colleagues. At that moment, when I laid my eyes on her for the first time, I thought I'd just seen an angel; she was so beautiful, the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. She had beautiful blue eyes, bright blonde hair, tanned skin and such a cute little smile; everytime she smiled, her eyes would light up like shining sapphires and her cute little mouth would go up there. The vision of Kerry smiling at me will always remain with me forever.

_**I've been dying inside  
Little by little  
No where to go  
But going out of my mind  
In endless circles  
Running from my self until  
You gave me a reason for standing still**_

I know that our relationship may've been quite complicated, but we still had something really special because I loved her and she loved me. And in the end, we were still together, despite the fact that it was cut so short, but we were still together. I was with her when she was shot, I was with her in the hospital and I was with her when she died. Falling in love with someone like Kerry was something I never thought would happen to someone like me, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved her so much… and if I could've put myself in front of that bullet, I would've because I would've done anything to protect her and keep her safe. I know that everybody has expected me to have moved on by now, but I haven't; I can't. When you fall in love with someone like Kerry Young, the truth is you can never let her go because that's how precious she really is - she's someone I'll treasure for the rest of my life, someone I can never replace.

**_I want you  
And I feel you  
Crawling underneath my skin  
Like a hunger  
Like a burning  
To find a place I've never been  
Now I'm broken  
And I'm faded  
I'm half the man I thought I would be  
But you can have what's left of me_**

And sometimes, I feel like she's still with me. When I go home after work and when I walk in through the door of my flat, I sometimes feel that she's there to welcome me home and greets me with a hug and a kiss because I can feel the warmth of her embrace - the warm feeling I always felt when I embraced Kerry, I'll never forget it - and I can sometimes even hear her voice and her laugh. And then when I go to bed, I usually both drink and cry myself to sleep, but then I hear her voice. She tells me goodnight; it's almost like she's there sleeping beside me in my arms with her head against my chest. But then I wake up in the morning with that awful, sick, sinking feeling when I see that she's not there and I realise she's not with me anymore. It takes a photograph of Kerry and a glass of Scotch to get me started for the day; those first minutes of the day are the worst and when they're over, it only gets better but not in a good way. The job's all I've got left and I know that Kerry would want me to go on with the job. She always did say how good a copper I was, she even called me her knight in shining armour. No one else has ever looked at me the way she did. Everything I do as a copper, all the arrests I make, all the results I get, all the cases I work on, I do it all for her. I was her knight in shining armour, she was my angel… still is.

_**Take what's left  
Of this man  
Make me whole  
Once again**_

**_Cause I want you  
And I feel you  
Crawling underneath my skin  
Like a hunger  
Like a burning  
To find a place I've never been  
Now I'm broken  
And I'm faded  
I'm half the man I thought I would be  
But you can have what's left of me_**

Kerry meant more to me than anything else; more to me than myself, my job and any of my other friends. She was everything to me; she was my life, my air, the light in my life, my soul mate, my best friend and overall, she was the love of my life. I miss her, I'm not strong without her, I'm not the man I once was. I just wish… that I could see her again, even if it's for the very last time and only for a couple of minutes; I just need to tell her anything I didn't get to and I'd give anything just to hold her in my arms again, feel her smooth skin and soft hair and kiss her soft lips. I just wish Kerry could be where she belongs… here with me.

_**I've been dying inside you see  
I'm going out of my mind  
Out of my mind  
I'm just running in circles all the time  
Will you take what's left  
Will you take what's left  
Will you take what's left of me?  
Just running in circles in my mind  
Will you take what's left  
Will you take what's left  
Will you take what's left of me?**_

**The End**


End file.
